Alien Athletes Attack!

Posted: May 13, 2010 in Conspiracies

Need proof that aliens walk among us? Look no further than your high school’s varsity sports programs, or what those in the know are now calling the biggest extraterrestrial cover story gone bad since Area 51 became a household name.

According to an anonymous, but highly credible source, unscrupulous coaches hell-bent on turning out championship teams at any cost have recruited a super-race of alien jocks from across the universe.

While the aliens look and talk like humans, their performance on the playing field is anything but. In Dallas last October, one alleged alien notched a record eight touchdowns in a single football game, shattering the old mark of four. But according to local alien-watchers, what really blew the alien’s cover was an end zone dance that finished with a knowing nod to the stars. A humble acknowledgment of a greater power, or a subtle signal to an orbiting space ship? You decide.

Here are the raw facts:

  1. Across the country, personal and team records are being broken at an alarming rate
  2. A Google News search of high school sports stories has found a 500 percent increase in the use of the word “inhuman” to describe the play of varsity athletes
  3. Several hundred stars are registered to varsity coaches, according to a search of the International Star Registry

Under the circumstances, I have accepted my prom date’s offer to cancel given the fact that I do not believe that I can ethically report on this story and accompany a Varsity tennis player to the prom. This reporter will be on the scene next Friday at his school’s Varsity baseball game. Until then, if you have any leads on an alien athlete near you or a potential non-alien prom date, please contact me at ColeWaters.com.

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Comments
  1. Elspeth says:

    Of course there are aliens among us, any evolved human being knows that. The real question is whether they’re using us as research for the best selling book in the universe, or if they’re just planning on making a hyperspatial express route through earth. And, did they bring a towel with them?

  2. "Diesel" says:

    Cole, I appreciate your insight into noticing an emerging pattern amongst athletes. Actually though I think your conspiracy theory is the reverse of what you believe to be true. The real truth is we all have been given extraordinary abilities but we’ve been kept ignorant of our gifts.

    The “aliens” you refer to are examples of those who have not been affected. Let me explain further. Word on the street is there is a global conspiracy to keep human brain waves functioning at a low level. I’m not sure how it all works but the leaders have been very effective. As a result, most of us remain mediocre in our life times at best and never find out how to use our innate gifts. I’m really afraid for the LXD if what you’ve found out about them is true. If this group finds them, surely they will try to destroy them. The LXD could possibly start a rebellion amongst all types of performers/athletes/youth, inspiring new generations to become GREAT aka super-human. That’s exactly what these leaders don’t want.

    I sincerely hope you’ll dig a little further into what organization has created this comma toast-like behavior amongst most humans and with god speed Cole. But, I’ve also been told by credible sources that were fired at Pleasanton Hospital that the Health Industry is in on the global conspiracy with BIG PHARMACEUTICAL companies at the helm. I don’t know how a young group of unlikely heroes can face such a threat. They’re up against the death star to put it mildly. But where there is a faith, there is a way. My prayers are with them. If I hear of anything, I’ll report back.

    Sincerely,
    Diesel

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