Need proof that aliens walk among us? Look no further than your high school’s varsity sports programs, or what those in the know are now calling the biggest extraterrestrial cover story gone bad since Area 51 became a household name.
According to an anonymous, but highly credible source, unscrupulous coaches hell-bent on turning out championship teams at any cost have recruited a super-race of alien jocks from across the universe.
While the aliens look and talk like humans, their performance on the playing field is anything but. In Dallas last October, one alleged alien notched a record eight touchdowns in a single football game, shattering the old mark of four. But according to local alien-watchers, what really blew the alien’s cover was an end zone dance that finished with a knowing nod to the stars. A humble acknowledgment of a greater power, or a subtle signal to an orbiting space ship? You decide.
Here are the raw facts:
- Across the country, personal and team records are being broken at an alarming rate
- A Google News search of high school sports stories has found a 500 percent increase in the use of the word “inhuman” to describe the play of varsity athletes
- Several hundred stars are registered to varsity coaches, according to a search of the International Star Registry
Under the circumstances, I have accepted my prom date’s offer to cancel given the fact that I do not believe that I can ethically report on this story and accompany a Varsity tennis player to the prom. This reporter will be on the scene next Friday at his school’s Varsity baseball game. Until then, if you have any leads on an alien athlete near you or a potential non-alien prom date, please contact me at ColeWaters.com.