LXD = XL Danger

Posted: August 11, 2010 in Conspiracies, LXD

I know how the LXD recruits its members. But first, dear reader, a little housekeeping.

The hacks at the local news have picked up on my frog meat cafeteria story. Unfortunately, those half-wits have dropped the ball. Calling my reporting “questionable” and claiming that my style is “fraught with delusional paranoia,” those propaganda-merchants at Channel 10 ran their own report on our cafeteria. In that fanciful feat of frog fiction, they claimed that the meat in question was chicken, which is “often mistaken for various exotic meats.” Were this a piece of straight reporting it would be dead wrong. But given what this ace journalist has uncovered about the LXD, the frog fiction is clearly an obvious attempt by those acting in concert with this league of extraordinary dancers to discredit me. But what these propagandists fail to realize is that I won’t be stopped and the truth will come out.

Here is the unvarnished truth those who claim to be in the “news” business don’t want you to know.

First, the LXD. recruits only those who have mastered one specific dance style. Obviously, this is indicative of a highly evolved, possibly dangerous, dance conspiracy that has a deep well of specialists for any eventuality.

Second, potential recruits draw the attention of the LXD by posting dance videos online. Judging from the sheer number of dance videos online, it’s fair to say that anyone—your friends, your neighbors, even you—could be in the LXD.

Third, and this is pure conjecture at this point, the LXD values style and ingenuity above all else. Members seem to make ample use of their environment, incorporating everyday items into their dance routine. Obviously, this means that the LXD is capable of striking anywhere, anytime.

Fourth, recruitment is on the LXD’s terms alone. Extraordinary seems to be the key word here. Only the elite are chosen, thus confirming the hunch that we’re obviously dealing with a super-human dance force.

If you have been recruited by the L.X.D., and you’re brave enough to help shed light on the truth, contact this fearless reporter at ColeWaters.com.

Stakeout

Posted: August 10, 2010 in Conspiracies, LXD

Who Are The LXD?!

Posted: July 3, 2010 in Conspiracies, LXD

A top secret government dance program is a secret no more thanks to my crackerjack reporting skills.

In the heart of an area zoned for industry sits a warehouse that is a known staging area for a team of government super-dancers. There I observed two members of the program, codenamed LXD, defy the laws of gravity with superhuman dance moves.

The warehouse first came to my attention several months ago when I learned that it had been receiving strange shipments of sneakers, colored lights, and even a carousel zebra. What all that stuff, or the thousands of empty test tubes that came through here as well, is for remains unclear at this time. Ditto for the whereabouts of Trevor Drift, who disappeared with three of these LXD agents just after prom.

Unfortunately, in this tangled web, this vast conspiracy of dance, answers only beget more questions. We know about the LXD group, but what are they after?

It’s almost certainly something dangerous. As a security precaution, I’m posting my questions here on the Web, dear reader. That way, should something happen to this reporter, one of you will be able to carry on my work

  1. Where is Trevor Drift?
  2. What would dancers want with thousands of empty test tubes? Are we dealing with an army of dancing clones?
  3. Who were the two boys I saw defy gravity and how did they do it?
  4. What does LXD stand for?

It is that last question—what does LXD stand for—that I am working now because I believe those initials hold the key to whatever is out there. This is Cole Waters of ColeWaters.com signing off.

Prom-spiracy!

Posted: May 28, 2010 in Conspiracies, LXD

A vast, superhuman dance-based conspiracy revealed itself to hundreds of people at prom, an event I elected to attend alone so I could bring you the high caliber reporting you’ve become accustomed to.

Here’s what we know:

Trevor Drift, who hasn’t attended a single dance this year, suddenly shows up in a vintage suit and sets fire to the dance floor, metaphorically speaking. That’s when things got weird. A sinister cat whose name I’ve been unable to track down, barged in to watch Trevor dance. Suddenly, this mystery villain was joined—perhaps intercepted by—three government agents, probably assigned to an ultra-secret dance division within the CIA.

The trio joined Trevor on the dance floor and proceeded to let loose a wave of superhuman moves never seen before.

Before our principal could get to the bottom of the spectacle, the government agents escorted—kidnapped?—Trevor, escaping out of the back of the gym and vanishing into the dark night. As for the mystery man, well, that’s another piece of the puzzle I’ll have to solve. But before the night was through, I did pry some juicy info from Alice Wondershaw, who told me this about Trevor: “He’s an extraordinary dancer.” But Trevor’s chief rival for Alice’s affection, Brendan Broman wasn’t so sure those moves Trevor thrashed him with were regulation.

“He’s a freak of nature, like a lab experiment set loose on the dance floor,” Broman said.

If Drift really is part of some sort of government dance experiment, perhaps those agents were sent to return him to the lab. And this part is pure speculation, dear readers, but perhaps that mystery man was a foreign operative, sent here to steal U.S. dance secrets.

The answer to all of these questions is with Trevor, and as soon as I find him I’ll find the truth and bring it you on ColeWaters.com.

Alien Athletes Attack!

Posted: May 13, 2010 in Conspiracies

Need proof that aliens walk among us? Look no further than your high school’s varsity sports programs, or what those in the know are now calling the biggest extraterrestrial cover story gone bad since Area 51 became a household name.

According to an anonymous, but highly credible source, unscrupulous coaches hell-bent on turning out championship teams at any cost have recruited a super-race of alien jocks from across the universe.

While the aliens look and talk like humans, their performance on the playing field is anything but. In Dallas last October, one alleged alien notched a record eight touchdowns in a single football game, shattering the old mark of four. But according to local alien-watchers, what really blew the alien’s cover was an end zone dance that finished with a knowing nod to the stars. A humble acknowledgment of a greater power, or a subtle signal to an orbiting space ship? You decide.

Here are the raw facts:

  1. Across the country, personal and team records are being broken at an alarming rate
  2. A Google News search of high school sports stories has found a 500 percent increase in the use of the word “inhuman” to describe the play of varsity athletes
  3. Several hundred stars are registered to varsity coaches, according to a search of the International Star Registry

Under the circumstances, I have accepted my prom date’s offer to cancel given the fact that I do not believe that I can ethically report on this story and accompany a Varsity tennis player to the prom. This reporter will be on the scene next Friday at his school’s Varsity baseball game. Until then, if you have any leads on an alien athlete near you or a potential non-alien prom date, please contact me at ColeWaters.com.

Foreign Exchange Fiasco!

Posted: April 30, 2010 in Conspiracies

The school’s administration denies it, the faculty are pleading ignorance, and U.S. government officials have refused to comment, but there’s growing evidence that what’s been sold to students as a harmless—some say “educational”—foreign exchange program, is in fact a nefarious organ trafficking operation that spans the globe.

Proof? Consider this troubling tale from sophomore Ed Babington, who spent last semester with a host family in Japan. Babington came back with some snappy pictures from Disneyland Tokyo and an affinity for sushi. But he was missing something—his tonsils.

What happened to Babington’s tonsils remains unclear. But this much is certain: soon after Babington complained of a sore throat, his host family took him to a local doctor, who administered a heavy narcotic that rendered the sophomore unconscious—and ripe for organ harvesting.

Bang!

Just like that Babington had become another victim of a vast international conspiracy of organ traffickers masquerading as educators. His tonsils were snatched from him, sold into a black market where organs are traded like hubcaps or car stereos.

How big is this conspiracy? How deep does it go? Only the cabal that hatched this dastardly plan can say for sure. But as of now that cabal is on notice—the fourth estate is coming for them in the person of the muckraking Cole Waters reporting for ColeWaters.com.

Cafeteria Catastrophe!

Posted: April 22, 2010 in Conspiracies

Cole Waters here, with another exclusive story that the school is scrambling to keep under wraps!  And readers, this one’s going to make you croak.  Remember the frogs we dissected in biology class last week?  Well this reporter has cause to believe that those swamp dwellers – or what was left of them after class, at any rate – were the secret ingredient in yesterday’s cafeteria meatloaf.  Even though I don’t have many “facts” or “evidence” to back this up, here’s what I do know:

  1. The meatloaf’s consistency was even slimier than usual – somewhere between “gristle” and “wet gym sock”
  2. Lunch Lady Lauren told me that the Meatloaf Surprise was practically jumping right onto people’s plates.  Coincidence?  I think not
  3. The lettuce in the mixed green salad looked suspiciously like lily pads

Rest assured that Cole Waters is on the case, monitoring any and all shipments in and out of the cafeteria kitchen.